THE ALL ISLAND RUN (TRASH) – Pussy Vindaloo

Once every year, the China Hash must go through the charade of a) acknowledging and b) pretending we care about the other hashes on the island.

We are forced to leave our usual stomping grounds, and ‘mingle’ (ugh) with people from Hsinchu (ew), Taichung (it gets worse) and Kaohsiung (kill me now), all in the vain hope that someone outside of Taipei can set a decent trail and provide us with enough lukewarm beer to permanently obliterate our memories of the day we went ‘down country’.

This godawful event is known as the AIR run, which stands for All Island Run, and was started by some drunk Englishman in 2008. Why don’t we just call it a Nash hash like literally every other hash in the world? Because we’re special.

AIR is basically a normal hash run but just…more. More kilometres to travel to get to the run start, more arseholes, more beer and more chances of seeing people naked (although not necessarily the people you want to see naked).

This year, the date for all this tomfoolery fell on Saturday, April 15th. The job of hosting us wankers fell to the Hsinchu Hash, who are really too adorable for me to say anything nasty about.

Awwww!

We just call them retards.

We were instructed to meet at Zhongxiao Fuxing at 10.40am, which isn’t an actual meeting time, and in hashing terms basically means heading off close to midday. Our GM, DING BU DONG, had done a sterling job allocating hashers to the two different buses, separating people by various standards such as gender, body hair and likelihood of surviving the journey. TTT was appointed to hand out ‘bus numbers’ (scraps of half chewed paper – GM just got a dog), which seemed like a great idea until the buses arrived, no-one had any idea which bus went with which number, and it ended in a free for all.

I have no idea what I am doing!

Once on the bus, things didn’t bode well for the rest of the day. BUM BAGS, having already seen the GM’s penis at 12.17pm (I made a note of the exact time) decided to take HOMO HOBO to have tender man sex in the bottom of the bus. MIJO SLUT kept on lurching to his feet and trying to tell us about some run he is haring for small children and FIREBIRD (the two go together – and not in a good way), which ended up with DING BU DONG taking him down with an umbrella, then almost getting castrated in return. At least CHALK MY TITS had finally stopped whinging about having to run in borrowed clown shoes, thanks to the kindness of SUPER-DO-ME.

Fortunately, we had some kickass tunes (‘Everybody Hurts’) and the prospect of an exciting day drinking crappy beer in Miaoli to keep our spirits up. We finally arrived, last out of all the hashes (we win again!), and were greeted by complete indifference from the crowd, and a complete expression of disgust from COUNTERFEITER.

Whatever, the point of the AIR is that it’s a time we can relax, let loose, and let our true selves come out.

 

NSFW

So what about the run? Well, it was pretty good (said between gritted teeth). A nice mix of open space, shiggy, rice paddies and agriculture. It was eminently runnable, unless you’re like DRAGON TITS and myself, and spend the whole run gossiping. CAPTAIN COCKEYE even made a valiant attempt to beat HERMAN, a 73 year old man, who greeted him at the end with these words, “You did pass me at one point! But then I got to the end and you weren’t there. And I had a bottle of beer and you still hadn’t arrived. And I’ve just finished my second and you are finally here”.

 

I do have one accusation, however, because we’re the China hash  and we have to shit all over your event. LOW HANGING FRUIT proudly proclaimed that he had found all new trails. But, just like DR STRANGEGLOVE, that run was no virgin.

China Hash ran it in 2014 (the reign of the VOLF), and it was hared by HOMER-SEXUAL, that fine, respectable, upstanding gentleman we all know.

Pictured here….

 

I didn’t get to see anyone’s penis that weekend, though, so I’ll proclaim this a victory for Hsinchu hash.

 

On to the down downs
The run finished in the grounds of a school, a nice open space allowing everyone to hang out, chat, and enjoy the late afternoon sunshine. So the Hsinchu hash decided to take us into the auditorium and scream at us through a microphone.

One dictator watches over another

It was all a blur by this point, what with the cold chicken coming out fast and furious, being rejected by DICK WITH EARS and COCKSUCKING JEW (“this is the Hsinchu hash table! We’re Hsinchu hash! You can’t sit with us”), and being forced to see MIJO SLUT’s arse for the second time that day (go and look at the Facebook photos, I don’t want to post it here).

I do remember China hash had the best down downs.

I think the following picture pretty much sums up the bash. Here we see a selection of China hashers all in their typical poses: DR VAGINA FACE totally trashed and loving it, ELWOOD BLUES (MURPHY) totally trashed and about to pass out, PRETTY YOUNG GIRL (NINA) with another hasher in a headlock, and STEEL ARSEHOLE looking like he wandered into the picture by accident.

After all that merriment, it was time to get back on the bus and head for home.

The bus ride back….my eyes. My brain. There isn’t enough Dettol in the world to clean those images. I think THE LEASH started it all – “hey everyone, let’s get up and dance”, and then it was just a mad, gyrating mix of sweaty hash bodies writhing simultaneously to the music and the potholes of Highway Number 3. People wearing only their underpants were being bashful. Bits were flopping around everywhere. It was like the Olympic village with liver damage. It was like that scene from ‘Perfume’ where everyone goes insane and has a massive orgy.

Then we stopped off for a piss break and were confronted with this:

“The greatest thing to come out of this country… is the Rooster Coop. The roosters in the coop smell the blood from above. They see the organs of their brothers…They know they’re next. Yet they do not rebel. They do not try to get out of the coop. The very same thing is done with human beings in this country.” – The White Tiger

It couldn’t last forever. With the strains of Bohemian Rhapsody in our ears, we put on our clothes, blinked in the fluorescent lights of Fuxing South Road, and prepared to leave. We headed to the park to celebrate. Another AIR gone by. We’d done it! The GM started to bask in the glow of his success. He had rallied the troops. He’d stood up and done the best down down session of the day. He’d taken us all the way to Miaoli and brought us safely back. Then he realized he’d left his phone on the bus.

Bugger

Here’s to AIR 2018 – on on!

Many thanks to MICHAEL J FOX for providing the photos.

 

 

By Pussy Vindaloo

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