STFU – What’s in a name?

I suppose if in these interminable, arduous and life-shortening three weeks I have been GM there has been one overriding theme it is names. Be it how the name of our running club reflects on the greater geopolitical landscape of our much beloved island or, more recently, and much less divisively, how China Hash handles naming new runners these days compared to the good old days.

Today, for my inaugural STFU, I would like to talk about the latter.

I must admit that when preparing to be GM, naming people was something I looked forward to massively, as you all know my seed is drier than Chalk My Tit’s snatch so it is unlikely I will ever earn the right to name any progeny obtained through sexual means. Suffice to say naming hashers will probably be the closest I get to leaving some sort of permanent mark on this world and I was very excited at the prospect. 

Before becoming GM I had tried to name people three times with one success. “Thanks Hitler” as a name is possibly my single greatest achievement in thirty years of life. My other ideas in fairness were not quite up to that level although I still believe we should have called that new Hsinchu Hasher “Cunty mc Cunty Cunt Cunt” just to piss off our inbred cousins. The failures though are what I look back on. The names were ill conceived, lazy and just downright dull. Thankfully they did not make it through the careful vetting process. 

Now that the novelty of naming people is wearing off somewhat I am able to take a step back and look with greater appreciation on what the act of naming someone actually means. I must admit I look back on my early enthusiasm much the same way as I look back on my early sexual encounters; shame and disbelief. 

A Hash name should be carefully considered and no name is better than an ill-fitting one perhaps but it is hard to resist the urge when faced with something obvious like “Probably Muslim”. I was not named till my 8th run with CH³ and it was over a conversation I had at a Bear Hash Bash, I will not bore you with the details but the name was apt at the time and is something I hold dearly.

There is no doubt that the best hash names have a good story behind them as opposed to, well I kind of look like a retard but I am an astrophysicist so they called me “Down Syndromeda” (Actually, that’s pretty good).

One of the criticisms of the current naming culture I hear Is that it happens too frequently and soon these days. We have all seen 1st time runners being named only to discover weeks later that the name does not really suit. On the other hand, though there are Hashers and Hashettes who have many more runs than me and remain nameless.

Naming is something that I, as GM and you guys as the ultimate jury on the matter should not take lightly 9” Stump recently said that “Naming used to be an art form”, any great work of art takes time, consideration and talent, the latter being something all China Hashers are naturally lacking in.

As much as I would like to get hundreds of my names out there as a replacement for actual life achievements, I will be forming a council to give each naming the attention, care and gravitas it deserves. Anyone who is to be named will be subject to this council’s cautious deliberation so that we can all reach the best name for each hasher at the right time. Of course that can all go to shit when it comes to the actual naming in the circle and you fucktards start shouting out whatever random bullshit comes into your sensation starved neurons at the time.

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